Alternative developmental checklist for a two year old

I would like to share the questionnaire that we recently received from our NHS Trust to check that our just-turned-two-year-old’s development is on track. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think this is the right thing to do. If a child is lagging* in one area and can be helped that’s a Good Thing.  But many children have individual ways of expressing their development and so I would like to propose an alternative questionnaire as follows:

Official version (not all are included as some are necessarily dull)	Proposed alternative	Bonus points
General
Can your child drink from a beaker/cup	Can your child keep a cup of water on the table unspilt for more then 14 seconds?	Can your child fit a spoon, fork, banana, hand and baked bean in their cup?
Can your child feed himself/herself	Can your child also decide to eat NOTHING when it is just the two of you and you are desperate for them to eat?	Can your child extract a sharp knife, can opener, eggs and hammer from locked cupboards to assemble a floormelette?
Does your child attempt to dress/undress	Can your child fully undress in the supermarket, while riding in the trolley, in the time it takes to reach a cauliflower?	Can your child select and dress in a full outfit consisting of one flip flop, one high heel, another pair of high heels as gloves, lipstick and Daddy’s best work shirt?
Gross Motor
Is he/she steady on their feet, do they run, climb, walk up stairs	Can your child walk up the stairs of a public building while you are looking the other way? Bonus points for blagging their way through security doors.	Can your child climb a stepladder (unsupervised)
Can he/she throw/kick a ball without falling over	Can your child kick another child’s ball out of the playground into the road?	Can your child save a goal using the ‘fishtail’ manoevre?
Fine motor
Can your child hold a pencil using thumb and two fingers and scribble?	Can your child hold a permanent marker and scribble on the white cupboards?	Can your child hold a can of spray paint and decorate the library wall?
Can your child build a tower of 6-7 blocks?	Can your child build a tower of 4 blocks, a radio, a rusty nail and the baby?	Can your child cement their tower together with mouldy banana from the bin?
Speech
Does your child have a vocabulary of 35 words or more.	Did the first ten words include: fart, ouch, beer, telly, calpol, shit? Is their most frequently used word:  1) thank you 2) poo  3) mine	Can your child say multi-syllable words, eg scalextric, competition, ambulance, hospital
Are they attempting to put two words together eg ‘more juice’, ‘daddy car’	Are they attempting to put two words together eg ‘more sugar’, ‘mummy wine’, ‘no. no. no. no’	Are they using short sentences eg ‘my finger stuck in tap’, ‘that lady is a monster’
Does your child understand two part instructions eg ‘put the car in the box’ without you pointing or showing them?	Does your child understand two part instructions eg ‘don’t touch Daddy’s Playstation’,  ‘be nice to your sister’ or 'stop licking the pavement' without you shouting or going to the pub?	Can your child manipulate you to extract treats in return for obeying certain (desperate) two part instructions?
Does your child like to sing rhymes with you?	Can your child recognise the entry of the guitar solo in Queen’s ‘we will rock you’	Can your child perform the Led Zep John Bonham drum solo from Moby Dick, after a lot of plays from youtube
Does your child name and point to everyday objects such as car, dog, apple and body parts eg arm, nose, foot?	Does your child name and point to everyday objects such as iphone, washing-up, fox poo and body parts eg bottom, bogey
General Does your child use pretend play eg pretending to feed their toys or put them to bed, or do they copy domestic chores such as sweeping or dusting	Does your child use pretend play eg trying to breastfeed their toys or posting toast into the DVD player? Do they copy domestic chores such as turning on the gas hob, running a bath or starting the washing machine on megaspin mode?
Do you brush your child’s teeth in the morning and before going to bed?	Twice a day, do you use fruit toothpaste as a method of inserting their toothbrush into their mouth, wiggling it around and removing it.
Have you taken your child to the dentist?	Do you have too much time on your hands?
*lagging - a word used with a pinch of salt.  Children just do things at different speeds, mostly?